Chris (90scartoonman) wrote,

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Vote Grodd

Phew, I need to take a break from all the Batwank and the Batworship. It was fun, though. But that doesn't mean I'll stop talking about the DCAU, I still have three days left. So here's something silly I came up with...

Dateline: Central City. The polls for the gubernatorial election are just about closed, and we're here at Gorilla Grodd Campaign Headquarters, where everyone is going ape. Hi, I'm Cat Grant, and I'm here live with governor hopeful, Gorilla Grodd.

"Please, Miss Grant, call me Grodd."

It's Ms. Grant, actually. Grodd, you've had one of the strangest campaigns this state has ever seen, and yet here you are, running neck and neck with your opponent, Mary Bailey.

"Yes, I had to work hard to get where I am today."

As a talking primate and not even an American citizen, what made you choose to go into politics?

"Well, Cat, I just got sick of the rat race. Solovar, Lex Luthor, and even the Justice League couldn't appreciate my vision. I needed a venue to express my genius, and since I also wanted to commit crimes while doing it, I went into politics."

Can you tell us a little about your policies?

"Why of course. Mary Bailey is a bleeding heart liberal. If she had her way, Iron Heights would be a revolving door! Do you want The Trickster bombing you on the way to work? I should think not. That's why I advocate capital punishment."

Now if memory serves me correctly, you and Mary Bailey got into some intense mud slinging. When did this start?

"Mrs. Bailey brought on Monsieur Mallah to help her campaign, and I felt that was capitalizing on my image. Mallah isn't even from Gorilla City, he's French for crying out loud! Rumor has it she asked the Ultra Humanite, and he turned her down."

Mallah quickly left town when things got too intense. What was it you said to your opponent?

"That I would cut out her heart and eat her children. My, yes, that did get bloody. If I win, I still may do just that. Or even if I don't."

You're proposing some radical laws. In fact, you want to change the pledge of the allegience!

"That is correct, it will now read 'one nation, under Grodd, indivisible, with liberty injustice for all.' No one likes 'under God' anymore, so I decided to meet them halfway."

Well you've certainly gained a lot of support from the big businesses. You're also popular among boys age 8-11. Why do you think that is?

"Because most of my funding is from Cartoon Network, and they're obsessed with demographics. And also, my campaign slogan 'Does a body Grodd' is quite catchy. We originally had 'Kneel Before Grodd', but a variation on that was already in use."

Let's talk about the one group you rubbed the wrong way, the African Americans. You are an African silverback gorilla, and yet legally, your race is listed as "gorilla". What made you decide to do this?

"Well, it is the mid-west, and a lot of the voters are wary of anyone with an African ethnic background. But I'm no different than the gorillas in the Keystone City Zoo. Sure, I can control everyone's mind, and I own the Spear of Destiny, but that just makes me more refined as an individual."

That's the one thing the people seem to like about you, Grodd, your boundless confidence. In our last polls, 30% of the people said they'd vote for Mary Bailey, 35% said they'd vote for you, 5% think you're Jack Black, 15% said you should box Mike Tyson, 13% are apathetic, and 2% snickered when you said you enjoy bending Tala to your will. Care to comment?

"I actually recieved a letter from Mike Tyson in which he threatened to, ahem, 'smash my snotbox'. I had my men shoot out his kneecaps."

Now, Grodd, you openly break the law and don't deny your criminal record. Don't you think that would hurt your chances of being elected?

"Of course not, I'm a gorilla, I am not bound by man's laws. I am just fortunate that the yokels who founded this state said that if an ape is found more capable than any other politician, he can be governor."

I'm getting word that we already have a winner, your new governor will be...Mr. Freeze?! Is that right? I thought he was running for governor of California.

"What?! This is an outrage! I demand a recount!"

Actually, Grodd, Mary Bailey got almost as much votes as Freeze. And you still came behind Gilligan, The Skipper, and Lara Croft. Whomever she is.

"I will destroy every last one of you! I promised NOT to use my psychic abilities to let you make up your own minds! Fools! When I get done with you, you'll regret the day you ever failed to elect Gorilla Grodd! Tune in to Cartoon Cartoon Fridays for an all-new Camp Lazlo! I will drink your blood and eat your bones!"

And with that, another election down, and another supervillain swearing revenge. Such is life.
Tags: silly

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