The time could’ve been any year. The place only exists in your imagination. It was then that four children played Follow The Leader with a very special creature. The children were Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy, and they were following Aslan, the mighty lion and so-so conceptual artist.
Aslan came to them in a dream and told them to follow him if they wanted to be kings and queens. And, like any good children (especially British ones), they followed the strange talking animal who promised them money.
The children had been walking through the woods for a while, and they began to get cranky. “Aslan smells like urine!” Lucy complained.
“I shall marry Aslan, divorce him, and take half his money,” Susan declared.
“How long is this supposed to take?” Edmund whined. “We’ve been out traipsing’ in this bleedin’ forest for hours! My feet hurt. Whose idea was it to follow this soddin’ lion anyway?”
Peter quickly responded, “Quiet, all of you. Aslan has a strong heart, I can see it in his eyes. We follow him.”
“Bloody hell,” Edmund mummured. “Bunch of bollocks is what it is.”
“What was that, Ed?”
The Great Cat remained in front of the children, protecting them from any danger. The very plant life of the forest seemed to shrink back in his presence. “Stay close to me, children. Don’t make me turn this car around.”
Peter sighed. “Aslan’s probably gay.” The girls shrieked with laughter, and even Edmund chuckled.
“Aslan’s gay for Mr. Tumnus!” Lucy shouted.
“Aslan’s gay for Skeleton Kearny!” Susan added.
“Would you pipe down?” Peter commanded, regretting he ever said anything.
Little did they know that Aslan could hear every word they said. He knew he had to deliver them to Cair Paravel no matter what. Luckily for them, he was a patient man. Unfortunately, he wasn’t a man. Nor was he very patient. He planned to pee in Edmund’s ear. “Hold!” Aslan said as he sniffed the air. “Something isn’t right.”
In a blinding flash of light, Jadis Dax, the White Witch appeared before them. Thanks to her Trill heritage, she was simultaneously the mother, wife, and daughter of Vandal Savage. “I’ll get you, my pretties!” she hissed.
“Who’s the skank?” Lucy asked.
“I don’t know,” Edmund commented, “but check out the charlies on her.”
“Ugh!” Every time Peter thought of becoming High King, he wished it would grant him the power to travel back in time to make his parents stop at one child. “Now’s not the time to go through puberty, Ed. Remember what happened to Susan at her music recital.”
“We should all be as lucky to develop voices that deep,” Edmund said.
“Be careful, children, that’s Jadis Dax,” Aslan warned. “Her radical secular beliefs have put her on a crusade to get rid of anything that even remotely resembles Christmas in Narnia.”
“That right?” Edmund asked. “You’re the bird who took down the nativity scene and put up that antwacky cowboys and Indians display? Sod off, you git!”
“I’ll handle this,” said Aslan. He inhaled deeply. “WOOF! WOOF!” The Great Cat barked.
“Aaaaaiiiieeeee!” Jadis Dax shrieked. She doubled over, cried out in pain, and was then promptly cancelled by Fox.
“Come along, children,” Aslan said. He loved the children very much, but he would never tell them that. When Aslan gets emotional and admits to it, he also gets very hungry. If Aslan were to ever tell them how much they mean to him, he would proceed to eat each and every one of them.